When my kids ask me anything before coffee
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Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
bias laundering edition
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?