A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
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If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!