“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
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your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath