I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
You Might Also Like
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Room with a view.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”