*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
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When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.