Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
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Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I ate everything, including the H.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”