Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
You Might Also Like
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Breaking news:
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.