If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
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Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Livid.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*