Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
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If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.