There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
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Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.