[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
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Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?