Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
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Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?