DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
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I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed