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Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
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THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.