Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
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frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off