Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
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You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …