“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
You Might Also Like
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
I’d rather fork than spoon.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book