[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
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I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.