All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
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Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
men are simple creatures
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that