[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
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Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
the composer
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
5 ways to appear taller
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
best review i’ve ever seen
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.