Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
You Might Also Like
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.