[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
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You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*