[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
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I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix