Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
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My safe word is now just a dry cough.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Ummm
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP