I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
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Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.