Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
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[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.