“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
You Might Also Like
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Snapes on a plane.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳