I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
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Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?