I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
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<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!