[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
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As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
My wife has the worst taste in men.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach