When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
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My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.