I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
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‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha