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when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
yea so i messed up lol
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.