Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
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Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.