My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
You Might Also Like
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
bias laundering edition
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married