Feels like the fourth month in January
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[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
PLOT TWIST:
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.