Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
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It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.