Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
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My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together