Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
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son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.