my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
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I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I just tested negative for patience.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.