Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
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I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
What if the weather talks about us?
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.