[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
You Might Also Like
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”