I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
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the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I hope this email finds you in a well
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you