Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
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That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
(Jupiter –
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.