*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
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Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.