i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
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Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Just got to our Airbnb!
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.