A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
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[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Cats (2019)
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.