Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
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14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
How your email finds me
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit