Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
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Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Donkey Kong sommelier
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.