Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
You Might Also Like
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
water it, i dare you
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
I feel attacked.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.